Today marks 1 year since I had my last drink.
I’ve always wanted to be a husband and father more than anything else. I noticed the wedding bands adults wore around me as a kid. I was fixated on them as a magic symbol of something that I didn’t quite understand but needed to aspire to. Love, commitment, family. To me, it was the ultimate. It still is.
For years I grappled until it turned to emotional torment. In my mid 30s now, why wasn’t I getting what my heart desired most? I’d done well academically, and was succeeding in my career. I have a face that doesn’t seem to offend anyone. I fell within an acceptable height range in my collection of healthy, sociopathic dating apps. People sometimes even laughed at my horrific arsenal of dad humor. What was missing? Where was the girl of my dreams? One more swipe, surely.
I was a chronic alcoholic, and worried about dating. Classic.
2022 came. The absolute worst year of my life. The drinking reached a fever pitch. I alienated several close friends and was asked to leave NH by my family during the holidays. How could I blame them? I was lucky to not end up with a DUI, jobless, or dead. Those were my big wins of 2022. The year in totality was an embarrassing write off, something foreign now that I wish to tuck away and never look at again.
As humans, we’re constantly faced with decisions. Some are easy, some are hard. Some are crucial. Some point wickedly in the direction of death masquerading as salvation, some point directly towards true salvation.
I knew on a cold, shitty December morning 1 year ago that if I didn’t decide to stop drinking, right then and there, I would never be a father. That thought was what finally drove it home. If I continued, I’d be too severed from my inner child to raise one of my own. Like wood that had once stood as a ship, I’d be tormented in perpetuity to drift until i drowned. My soul was begging me. So, I finally listened.
A Wells Fargo ATM was bombed across the street from my apartment in Chestnut Hill, Philadelphia on the rainy early morning of December 22, my second morning fully sober. In a hungover mood that bordered on venom, I trudged over to the site, which was taped off with several police officers present to oversee the cleanup. I looked like a bag of shit covered in ass and the thought crossed my mind that I may get questioned. I watched from a table across the street. I sat there for hours.
The morning felt deeply surreal in the state I was in. I sickly internalized the scene as a sign that I could set fire to the painful world I built and start everything anew. Money be fucking damned. Blow it all up. Even if I lost my career, I was getting sober. That was my job now.
I remember feeling free in that moment. No one was hurt in the incident.
Even though I was alone in my apartment with nothing but guilt and regret to face, I made it to January 1st without another sip. My eyes set blindly ahead.
2023. Well. My eyes opened.
Today, on this beautiful December morning, I am sober another day and thankful for that gift. I have a family. They’re pictured here.
My beautiful fiancé Kathleen is my rock. It’s important to have a rock if you can find one. Especially rocks that turn out to be diamonds. Love isn’t a mystery at all. When your heart is at peace, you stop looking. We just happened to stop looking by our second date.
My sweet boy Remy: A dog that appreciates life to the fullest and constantly challenges norms, while having a unexpectedly sweet disposition. In that way, he has raised me just as much as I did him. Our bond is true and our loyalty unending.
Sir Charles Xavier, Chuck, Charles: My new sweet addition. You teach me daily to just chill the fuck out. Life’s just a ride. Take a nap. Toss me a blanket.
Kitty: No comment.
Kathleen and I are underway with planning for our first child and my heart brims with anticipation, excitement, and joy. I am going to be the best father on earth and love them with everything I have. It will become my life and I am ready for the responsibility and commitment. I’ll be present, patient, forgiving, kind. No matter what. That will come naturally because it’s what my parents did for me. We are always setting examples for someone, passing along our best.
Needless to say: the dad jokes will continue.
I’ve made amends, when possible, with family and friends who I’ve hurt. I love them. I worry about them. I hadn’t worried about anything but myself for 20 years. To regain feeling like that is an indescribably human experience that I could never put justice to in words. In turn, I feel stable and surrounded by love every day. I can say confidently that my support network has never been stronger than it is right now.
2023 has been the best year of my life. I’ll always look fondly back on it as the year I came back and the year I found true love. It’s a moment in time tucked away forever into my core being. The DNA of living joyously and unafraid as a baseline to build my life upon.
I want more best years of my life ahead.
In 2024, I plan to return the favor. I will be speaking at the Caron Foundation and will support their events. I plan to write about my experiences in the hope that it may reach someone young and lost who relates. As I progress further and gain the necessary tools, I will provide mentorship for any young adult who may be caught adrift themselves. My intention is to become a leader in the beautiful community I’ve found.
Needless to say: if you or anyone you love thinks they may be battling addiction to alcohol, do not hesitate to contact me. I will drop most anything to take a text/call and try to point you in the direction of help and give guidance as best I can. I promise you that.
The universe is eternally entropic. Randomness and unpredictability govern over everything. Things fall apart more often than they stay together. As human beings, we were given the gifts of consciousness, intelligence, and endless emotional capacity to try to fight the will of the universe. Don’t they often feel like burdens? We tend to overthink, judge quickly, separate. Why?
Show love and mercy to the people that walk this ever-changing and beautiful earth alongside you. Validate even if you don’t understand. Unite. We don’t know what comes after this. This may be the only chance at heaven we get.
Thank you to those who have showed me love and mercy through the years.
Until 2024. Love always.
Comments
Post a Comment